


A Lonely Thing Really

by MadCarnivalRide



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, confused feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 05:50:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18005045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadCarnivalRide/pseuds/MadCarnivalRide
Summary: He craves.But knows he can’t give too much if given what he wants.He yearns.But knows he’ll grow repulsed if given too much.He grieves.For wanting what he can’t have.[[not a happy story folks]]





	A Lonely Thing Really

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING Implied Suicide

There’s a tree by the creek near his house. Just a five minutes’ walk away. A lonely thing, really. It’s perched all by itself, and although it’s quite a grand tree—what with its sturdy bark and tallness—its branches are spindly and bare. The nearest cluster of trees are just down the creek, maybe ten meters away? Pretty far.

 

But what catches Issei’s attention about the tree, are its branches. Or rather, this one thick branch, a good height away from the rocky bottom. If someone of his stature and mass were to take a seat on that branch, and if they just so happened to wiggle about enough, the branch would snap and down that person would go before slamming hard into the creek. Hard enough to cause a concussion—and maybe death.

 

Definitely death.

 

The question now, is when?

 

* * *

 

Running on autopilot is beginning to really drain him. Especially with graduation coming so soon. It’s only, what? Two weeks away.

 

Two weeks!

 

What the hell is he going to do after that?

 

“Mattsun.”

 

This—high school and volleyball and _his friends_ are all that’s keeping him going. _Were_ all. That’s all about to end soon. Too soon. He hasn’t even gotten his feelings sorted out yet! What if he never gets the chance? What if they all grow distant as all high school friendships do? What if he never leaves this place—his home?

 

“Matsukawa.”

 

He’s not going to continue his education. School’s too stressful. Sure, university won’t be so bad, but _what’s the point_? There’s nothing he really wants to do. He’s fine with working any job that doesn’t require a degree. He’s fine with working multiple jobs! _As long as he remains friends with—_

 

“Mattsun!”

 

 _Oh, but what does it matter_? He’s seen how close Oikawa and Iwaizumi are. He _saw_ them in that _intimate_ state. He really shouldn’t have, but what were the chances they’d stumble into the park in the dead of night high on emotion and wetted with tears when he himself was hiding—or _trying to hide_ —from everything that night, too? They just waltz in holding each other all soft, whispering to each other God knows what and all he could do was keep quiet and watch. He knew he never stood a chance. Knew he’d never get to reach that level of intimacy with them nor Hanamaki. _God_ , Hanamaki was almost his favorite—he can’t have a _favorite_ that’s just wrong! But if he _had_ to pick, then Hanamaki would be it. But even with Hanamaki he couldn’t get too close with. What if he was grossed out—

 

“Earth to Issei!”

 

“Yes!” he lurches from his thoughts and is met with concerned looks. _Don’t. Please._

“You alright there?” Iwaizumi’s gruff voice too soft for Issei’s liking. _Too vulnerable. Don’t be vulnerable._ _You’re not allowed._

 

Issei shakes his head. “A lot in my mind.”

 

“Obviously,” Hanamaki scoffs. “Graduation?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Mattsun, you worry too much!” Oikawa says, mouth stuffed with rice; which earns him a light smack to the head from Iwaizumi with a ‘don’t talk with your mouth full.’ Oikawa swallows before continuing in his serious ‘captain’ voice, “We’re not going to forget you.”

 

Something must have escaped Issei because Hanamaki is dropping his snack and resting both hands on his shoulders in an instant. He looks him dead in the eye which is much too intense for Issei but he can’t look away. “Issei, I know life’s gonna be all different soon, but we’re keeping in touch alright, man? You know me, I’ll reply as soon as I can.” Hanamaki turns around to look at the others. “You guys, too.” He turns back—and Issei thinks he saw something else flicker in those eyes, but Hanamaki breaks contact and sits back to his spot.

 

Issei meets eyes with Iwaizumi then. The former ace has a rather pensive look now, and Issei’s not sure—is afraid—of what Iwaizumi can see.

 

The bell signaling the end of lunch is what saves him.

 

* * *

 

He craves.

But knows he can’t give too much if given what he wants.

He yearns.

But knows he’ll grow repulsed if given too much.

He grieves.

For wanting what he can’t have.

So, he waits.

For that wretched opportunity.

 

* * *

 

They stay in touch as they said they would. Group messeging. Social media. Hanamaki is the only one who directly messages him, and calls. Actually calls. _In the others’ defense, though, Oikawa is crazy busy with college volleyball and studying, and Iwazumi isn’t much of a talker to begin with._ But Hanamaki—Issei doesn’t feel worthy of his time. What good is he? What do any of them see in him? Issei has nothing to say, if ever. His words have no substance. He’s _just there._ But he’ll give Hanamaki his time, because that guy deserves so much. _So much more than Issei’s pathetic excuse of being a ‘friend’_. Friends shouldn’t want anything more than what them four already have— _though, what Oikawa and Iwaizumi have is something else in general, but Issei doesn’t like to think about that, nor about those times Hanamaki mentions how he and Iwaizumi can talk into the dead of night, like how the fuck? So, Iwaizumi can talk, but it’s not with Oikawa nor Issei, it’s with Hanamaki of all people. But Hanamaki’s always had that subtle charm of his, even Issei fell for him. But not_ that _way. No. Issei doesn’t_ fall _for people._ But he craves and he yearns. And he grieves.

 

* * *

 

Issei slowly stops with the messenging. With the social media. _It’s almost time_. He knows this because his mood has been fluctuating way too much. He’s irritated and impatient more than usual. His emotions won’t stop barraging him at the dead of night. And he’s growing more and more angry at himself for being so pathetic.

 

Really now. He sleeps and eats and gets enough exercise. At this point it’s all mental. His mind is weak. He knows this. Issei’s a logical and practical person. But he’s done the journaling, he’s done the meditating, done—ok. Fine. _Fine._ He’s _tried_ the journaling, _tried_ the meditating, _tried_ being compassionate to himself— _tried_ being _fucking grateful_.

 

But he isn’t getting better.

 

Is he really that weak?

 

Are his friends—no. Is wanting something _more_ from his friends holding him back? Why is this so important to him anyways? He never cared before! He was fine by himself. Valued his autonomy, his personal space. The quiet, the solitude. He relished it!

 

And then…he met them. But he didn’t care too much for them until their last year…when he got that taste of warmth from their subtle touches and high fives and pats on the shoulder and embraces. Those short but captivating glances at each other, that brief moment of… _something_. Oh, how Issei fell for them. But not _like that_. God no. Not _like that_. He certainly wants to be closer, be intimate, but just not _like that._

 

Or does he _think_ he wants that? Maybe Issei has been conditioned—no, _brainwashed_ into thinking friendships mean nothing. That the most important, and the most happiness of relationships comes from the monogamous, romantic ones. Where two partners go about their lives together, forever. Hands linked, lips locked, hearts entwined. Yes. _That_ is the ultimate happiness. _That_ is what one should strive for. To find _The One._

 

“Those people can fuck off.”

 

It’s almost time. Issei’s bitterness and resentment towards his pathetic self will be the fuel that ends him. It’s almost time.

 

* * *

 

There’s a tree by the creek near his house. Just a five minutes’ walk away. A lonely thing, really. It’s perched all by itself, and although it’s quite a grand tree—what with its sturdy bark and tallness—its branches are spindly and bare. The nearest cluster of trees are just down the creek, maybe ten meters away? Pretty far.

 

But what catches Issei’s attention about the tree, are its branches. Or rather, this one thick branch, a good height away from the rocky bottom. If Issei were to take a seat on that branch, and if he just so happened to wiggle about just enough, the branch would snap and down Issei would go before slamming hard into the creek. Hard enough to cause a concussion—and maybe death.

 

Definitely death.

 

* * *

 


End file.
